What I'd do to have to here...

I miss you like crazy and I wish you were here...

We talk...via phone.
We chat...via Whatsapp and Line.
We share...via facebook.

But damn, damn...damn! I wish you were here...near me now.


What I'd do to just have you here, holding me tight...getting through a night together.


ps. Mr.Flood has not yet come and I hope he never gets here. --"

Hurt & Missing piece

It hurts so freaking bad and I am so not freaking ok.

It has been more than a month and still, I feel like a part of me is missing.


So afraid to admit that you had become part of me, the problem is you were long gone and well... I miss that part of me!


It keeps getting worse and worse... I miss you more and more each day.
But I know you think of me less and less as hour goes by.



How do I survive this? Why can't I just hate you? Why are you haunting me?
What do I have to do to forget?

I just wanna let go.


Speaking of which, letting go had never been a problem for me. But with you, everything is different.

Maybe, a part of me knew that you would hurt me this badly since we first met. That is why it kept rejecting you. And yet you kept trying. At the end, the part was convinced that it was ok to let you in. But in reality, it never is ok.


And I was hurt, over and over again. I got weaker as time goes by. And when I needed you the most, you weren't there for me.


:(
...I cry almost every night...

Miss you . . .

If i admit that I miss you, does it mean that I lose?

Nah, it does not.


It might used to be like that when we were little kids; giving up silence and admitting something that the two of us do not want to.

But once you grow up, the line using to define whether you win or lose is not as clear. In fact, where is that line?


Despite all of that above, I am not saying that I want you back in my life. I just miss having the old version of you beside me.

I miss having you on the phone during late night when I want to bitch about thing that I could never tell anyone else.

I miss the way you comfort me with your warm hug when I feel so down.

I miss your serious face assuring me that I am not fat when I worry because I had been eating too much.

I miss those tender kisses on my cheek and the way you giggle when I give you pretend-to-be-mad face

...I miss everything about you.

What I really want you to know is not all those, I want you to know that you HAD ALWAYS BEEN WRONG and I HAD ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT.

And people DO change, including you.

I still care about you, no matter how much I do not want to. But it does not matter.

Nothing matters anymore.

Cold... Hurt... Painful

How could you be so cold to me?

Of all the ppl in my life, i trusted you very much that I actually believed that you were telling the truth... you told me that you would never let go off me.

And without any clue, u just ignored me and turned so cold to me.

Ain't we going to talk again?
Are you going to just forget everything we have had, and act like we never know each other?

What about time we have had together?


How could you do this to me??????????


You told me that you loved me, had me fell for you... and left me lost here...alone.

You are so cold.

Duh duh,,, duh !???!

And... duh.....................

Thing is not good, between me and you.

I told you not to contact me since Sunday afternoon.
Yet, you did.

Haven't I cried enough for you?
Haven't I been hurt enough by you?
Haven't you noticed it is too much for me to bear?


But anyhow, thank you for the LOVE4 concert; it was wonderful.
I thanked for the concert ticket, not for you being there w me.

It was obvious that you couldn't care less about me; leaving me there all by myself feeling unable to fit in.


So... I guess this is really good bye for us.
I would not want to be neither your girlfriend nor your sister...or even your friend anymore.


PS. OMG it's 1.11!!!!

New Year

A bit too late for new year...
no, actually very late for new year. lol


Some things got better, while some got worse.

New things for new year;
   Glasses
   external hard-disk
   Got hair-cut.....2 inches were gone!
   mouse for labtop
   Jewelries ... lotsss, very beautiful  and indeed, expensive
   stuff from Zara sales and Workshop

But between you and me, it hasn't been better. Can't say it got worse, but it is like ...
we stuck in the middle, can't either go backward or forward.
It has been like this since December.
I don't really know what to do.

I know I should try harder to stay away from you since it cannot be worse.
But sometime I just don't wanna to care and think about what and what not to do anymore.

Guess that explains why I stuck. Shit!


I wish it was that easy to erase memories about us,
I wish history could be undone,
I wish I was stronger...

Forward....Backward

Why ? Why doing this to me?
Why can't you just believe in us a little bit more than this?


Mayb... you are just another coward.

Mayb... I just don't give a shit about what could go wrong.


You pushed me forward; from being a just-like-sis into a just-like-girlfriend.
Now you are pushing me backward; from being a just-like-girlfriend into a just-like-sis, just exactly what I used to be.

I told you, I had told you many times before taking the step, before turning from sis into date, that being in a relationship would NEVER work for us.
Still, you didn't listen to me. You tried every possible way to convince me, to manipulate me, to make me believe that it was the right thing to do.
And when things started to get so creepy, you got scared and wanted to give up.

Yet, you still are selfish enough to want me beside you, as your sister...like nothing has happened.
(And yes...you made me cried again, on Nov30 night. How many times do you want me to cry for you?)


Remember?
You were the one to tell me that things change.
So how possibly could we be the same? How possibly could I do that?


I know I should have completely cut you out of my life.
But I am not strong enough...after what I have just been through.
So I let you keep me beside you for a little while...until I get strong enough.
And trust me, you will never be able to hurt me again.



There are some particular lines we can't cross no matter what, and you just did.
Hope you enjoy the consequences of your decision. Like the last one you had made before, a few months ago.


...I really do hope that this is a right path to choose. I seriously do.

JJ B-day :D

HAPPY B DAY TO JJ :DDDDDDDDD

Now you officially are 18 years old (which means ---------- alcoholic stuff 5555)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lst week went to Khao Yai, awesome to the max.
Remind me how important friends are.
Sat - Daily home, Primo Posto, Khao Yai Kitchen, BannSaengDeun, Palio
Sun - Rai Somboon, Chokchai Steak house

Ended up so exhausted (which mean didnt go to loi kratong on Sun)
guess it was the period mixed up w oldness 555

Let's Sea ;D Khoa Yai

Finally, I got a really good deal for Let's Sea Hotel @ Hua Hin.

Thx goddddd, I finally found someone who was willing to sell me a voucher for both room and z-luxe benefit.


Two of these are cost around 5k only! Normally, without this voucher it would be around 8.5k for moondeck --"



Yeah, I don't earn that much of money yet, 8.5 k is too expensive 5555.



And this weekend I'm going to Khao Yai with girlies, can't wait

u n defined

UNDEFINED is opposite to defined.

It is hard to be able to define everything.
Because sometimes, thing gets blurry.

Would you define two persons going out together every now and then as a couple?
I guess... going out (esp not that often) can't help defining those two as a couple.
Not to mention that those two get to talk less...and less.
Plus, neither of them has ever made it clear that one wants to be in a relationship.

Vague and hard to define...
which makes the bottom line undefined


But this is how life goes I suppose?

Increased!

There are two different results of increasing;

first......... pls don't! cudn't it be decreased instead? >> for example......... weight! tada lol

Second...pls keep increasing more and moreeeeeeee >> Like.................. SALARY and BONUS :D

Yep, I got promoted and got my salary increased 1.4x, so goooooooooooood

I am very happy, plus the bonus is nice.

Oh, jst keep in mind that Moon Bar @ Baan Yan Tree is sooooooooooo good!

Scared...?

Hv you ever felt so scared that you cry?


I just did... and I unintentionally cried.
I CRIED for no reason? hm actually for some reasons that don't seem to be reasons for some ppl for you to cry.


How could he come up like that?
I mean I trusted him...so much that it caught me completely off guard.


I cried and I was shaking. I don't know whether it was because of anger or something else, or maybe those mixed together?



Now I know why we can never let our guards off.


We have to always be ready people, keep your armors ready if you wanna win the battle!

three crazy words

These three crazy words should not come from a guy who you don't plan to date/are not dating/never dated.


Right............


The guys told me that " I love you".

Damnnnnnnn........... what did he expect me to say??

I TOLD him that he could be my brother, big brother... NOT a boyfriend!



This is hard for me -,- and i am being paranoid again... as usual?



ANW, he CUD love me like a sister. It would never work for us, it WILL never work.



I'll quit being paranoid now. And i am not cruel to say no, i am jst being honest.

Why would other ppl say that i am cruelllllllllllll --"



Fine, i'll stop it now.



*take a deep breath* Everything is going to be fine...

...what?

Have you ever heard such a very unexpected phrase that you are not sure whether you have heard it right so you have to say "WHAT??"?

Situation like this has happened to me many times... but yesterday night, it was soooooooo "what?".


He (the one you know who) (who had already chose not to be with me) confessed
(after he kept beating around the bush for like half and hour so i got tired and I forced him to say it)
that ........... in his opinion, I am still very attractive and he regretted what he had said on that night.
He asked me what if that night, he asked me out instead, would I go?

So I told him that he did not get to know the answer since he had made a choice, then he had to bear with all the consequences even he wished he could turn back time and edit what already had been done.


Another interesting thing is that he told me that whenever he smells my Jo Malone, his heart beats faster. whoaaa lol I didn't expect that.


Enough with the blabbering, the bottom line is he wanted to chose me, and he wanna know whether he could or not.




Welllllllllllllllllll................ a little too late?
yep, I said no. All he gets to be is my big brother.
Leave it or take it. He took the offer anyway, even though he wanted more.



I really like having him around, I could be opened-up. I like it.
But i don't want to hv him as a boyfriend (well, at least not anymore)

So........... BIG BROTHER, welcome to the family ;D



wait, am I being selfish??
am I torturing him?? (or he deserves this??)


w h a t e v e r . . . 

Unexpected outcome...

Things do not always turn out as planned.
If the outcome is better than the expectation, we are happy.
...if not, we are sad.

But sometimes, it jst catch you off guard.

Like this time... off guard, but in a good way.


On Wednesday that we first met after what happened on the night, not choosing meeeeeeeeeee!
We were doing fine, we cud talk, we cud laugh... but it was a bit awkward.

And on wed night, he unexpectedly BBed me.
He was the one starting the conversation; talking abt my shoppin', ice-cream n chocolate consuming, and how i was doing.
Then he told me abt the dress i wore; he liked it very much!
so I changed the topic. it was hm... not proper anw.

Then he said that we need to talk, on Thursday night after work.



We talked on the following night, it was good.
We talked since 7 till 8 ish.
Now he officially is my elder brother. Even though it is so obvious that he is still sooo not over me.


whatever, i don't care cuz i'm so over him and it is so yesterday.
I am pretty happy, an elder brother is gooooooooooooooooooood, at least he has to help me whenever I need one. oh, i like the idea very much. ;D


I'm done with cloth shopping, not i'm more the type of skin-care freakkk... yep i want my skin to be greattttttttttttt!



Cheers to my brand-new elder bro and my skin caresssssssssssss!

Girls' BFF!

Everyone needs to hv BFF, even a loner!

We may not need our bff that much during our I-am-doing-just-fine period.
Because yeah... we are doing fine, we are happy............... we don't need a shoulder to cry on.

But every now and then, we all need them, esp for girls.
Turned out I was not so lucky on finding a shoulder to cry on.


Well... I got my heart broken on Friday midnight and ...
 - my dearest sister IS (and was during that time) in Tokyo, Japan. All we could do was... talking, no hugging and padding on my back!
 - my currently number 1 bff was at Chaingmai... being so sick that talking caused her so much pain. X(
 - my currently number 2 bff IS (and was) in Dalain, China. She already has a lot going on in her life... a lot worse than me so I didn't want to bother her.
 - my jst-like-irresponsible-crazy-brother bff, who during this period is going through a lot too! Drama at work, stupid boss, crazy girlfriend and so on......
 - my most beautiful bff, who has a ton of tests and exams coming up. She is currently in med school, I don't want to waste her time on me blabbing abt jerk.
 - my tomboy bff, who also is in a med school and hates jerks to the max, i better not tell her abt that or she wud try convincing me to date a girl --"

So i guessed that I had to deal with it all by myself............ i'm strong u know lol It's not gonna be hard.
That what I thought that night after crying for 15 mins.
Then I went to bed with a pint of green-tea huggen daaz.


I was fine (during I was asleep, in fact I got a good night sleep == 5 hours). But then, when I woke up at 6 am in the morning, I jst felt like crying.........shit, I cried.


So I forced my number 1 bff who is currently sick to talk to me (i'm sorry, poor u! )
And I felt better...... a little bit better.


I decided that I needed to go shopping, it would be the only cure.
HELL YES, IT WORKED!
(Even though, I think I did too much of shopping)
I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!


Things got better, I was almost fine.
So I consumed ice-cream and chocolate.

and things got better again.


But still, I was not fine...


That was the reason I needed to do more of shopping on Sunday following by Monday.
Oh, not to forget abt haggen daaz, crepes and waffles.


And now I really am fine ;D (but of course, I'm poor --")

So thx to my BFFs; shopping, ice cream, chocolate, and sissy plus number1 bff.



What I want to say is, we hv to be able to be on your own, even when we are in such a depressing stage.
And we hv to believe that we are getting better and we are going to be fine.


I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt... it still hurts.
But sometimes we jst hv to ignore it and live a happy life.
(at least we hv ice cream and chocolate, no need to be afraid)

GREAT news

;DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I am HAPPY! HAPPY TO THE MAXXXXXXXXX!


It was just announced earlier in this morning, the test results on CPA exams.
I passed two subjects (yes, i planned on passing two of these) and I PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Bye bye Acct1 and Acct2!!!


Another thing is I also have someone who I could make a call and share this awesome news.

Two good things at the same time.


I don't know how long it's going to last, the lucky in game and lucky in love.
Cuz I can't really have both of them at the same time. ;( (well, at least from my history)


Or mayb....mayb things have changed and I could actually have BOTH at the very same time.


I know thing always change and happiness doesn't last. But plssssss, let me hold on with the happy time for a little longer........

Decision

We all have to make decision; big one, small one......... always.
Should I drive to work today? What if the traffic congestions get so bad? What if it rains?

Yes........ making decision always comes with "what if........."?

What if I choose that instead of this?
What if I I don't decide it right away?
What if I choose the wronf one?

what if....... what if and what if!


So jst pick the one that you would not regret with, pick the one that u want the most.


Like ysd, I realllllllllllllllllllllllllly want to go to Long Table, a nice pub and restaurant, near Asoke intersection, Sukhumvit 16.

But then... it appeared that if I jst skip the meeting with Ze' and the gang at Long Table, I could spend some more time with my crush-on.


Guess what, I chose to stayed with him. (hv I turned weird recently? I mean I picked spending my time with a guy in a boring office over hanging out with friends at such a cool place like ... Long Table!)
But I sooooooooooo don't regret that, I had such a veryyyyyyyyyy good time.

(wait a second........does this mean I am falling deeper...again??)


And now I always... ALWAYS ... think about him. I sooo look forward to seeing his face, peaking while he smiles, and talking to him.


This is not so good for me -,-
Pls don't push me down(both intentionally and unintentionally) ,


                     I don't wanna fall deeper... not yet.

Distraction

Distraction!!!!!!!!


The LAST thing I need when I want to concentrate.



The more I think about you, the less I can concentrate on law test T-T

I hate being stuck in a kind of situation like this.


Pls kha, if you are not serious, pls stop telling me how cute I am and how much u like those things I said.
Because those are making me fall...deeper and deeper.

And I am afraid that I am going to be the only one falling............