When I don't know how I really feel

I thought that I was certain. I actually was very certain that I loved him so much that I would do anything...anything at all, to just have things work out perfectly with him...again.

For over a year and a half, everything was all about him. Or at least I thought so.

But now I am confused.


During the first few months together, he would do anything for me and regretfully, I took him for granted.
Then snapped, I lost him.
And just like that, I suddenly realised how much I needed him.
I did everything I could just to have him back.
Yes, we were back together. But I could always feel the wall he had put up. He had learnt how to play on the safe side but I hadn't.
I gave it all in, just like the way he had done before. Guess karma really knows it way around. And I got hurt over and over again.

But every time that I wanted to give up on us, he would pull me back and kept me close.
I don't know what it was; either he would never let go of me, or I would stay forever and never leave.

Almost two weeks ago, late Saturday night, it was over...just like that.
I thought it would hurt. But no, it did not.
I am not sure whether I was that I did not love him in that way or I tend to felt things in delayed mode.

Maybe...I need him near as a brother?
Maybe...the thought of being bestfriend again once I feel ok comforts me?

But one thing for sure, I am not over him...but I do not know in which way.

You just popped in

Feb 18, 2013......... after around 2 months of no talking, then you suddenly popped back into my life.

What went wrong? What went wrong?

That question had been pooping up in my head again and again until recently that it stopped. And not a while after that, after thinking that I didn't need you around, you came back to make me realized that I got it all wrong.

I want you and I need you. You are like a cool breeze in summer; able to survive a day without it, but much better to have around...all day long.

And we are back in the same position, talking a lot...... taking most of my time in each day.

Will we ever get to make further progress?


I had missed you so badly and I don't want you gone...ever again.

Free fall?

First of all, it is working time. Oops, I have never meant to be lazy but omg... have to do something or I will definitely blow up soon.


Never thought that it is actually possible to fall for someone you are not in a relationship with.

Why do I always have to learn things the hard way?



He is so nice-- super nice, handsome, smart, adorable (sometimes) ... exactly the type of the guy I would not hesitate to go out with.



But the problem is ........ things are always complicated.



Let's leave the complications for a moment and focus on the happiness.

Have you ever been on the phone with someone from night till morning? yeah...till 5-6AM.


The first time it happened (till 4AM) , I was about to go crazy over him... and something stopped me.



Then last week......... it happened again (till 6 AM). At first I thought I would not be "craving" for more...

Well........ thing did not go as planned. So I just let the conversation flew until 4AM and then he was like "wait, what time do you have to go to work tmr?".
Aw, handsome, I could skip the whole week and talk to you!


That...I just realized that I felt down so deep. scary. damn.



Cuz he is going abroad in a week. And we have been playing around for too long....... way too long.



So...

     We both know how each other feels, let's not pretend that we are just besties for one day...?

What I'd do to have to here...

I miss you like crazy and I wish you were here...

We talk...via phone.
We chat...via Whatsapp and Line.
We share...via facebook.

But damn, damn...damn! I wish you were here...near me now.


What I'd do to just have you here, holding me tight...getting through a night together.


ps. Mr.Flood has not yet come and I hope he never gets here. --"

Hurt & Missing piece

It hurts so freaking bad and I am so not freaking ok.

It has been more than a month and still, I feel like a part of me is missing.


So afraid to admit that you had become part of me, the problem is you were long gone and well... I miss that part of me!


It keeps getting worse and worse... I miss you more and more each day.
But I know you think of me less and less as hour goes by.



How do I survive this? Why can't I just hate you? Why are you haunting me?
What do I have to do to forget?

I just wanna let go.


Speaking of which, letting go had never been a problem for me. But with you, everything is different.

Maybe, a part of me knew that you would hurt me this badly since we first met. That is why it kept rejecting you. And yet you kept trying. At the end, the part was convinced that it was ok to let you in. But in reality, it never is ok.


And I was hurt, over and over again. I got weaker as time goes by. And when I needed you the most, you weren't there for me.


:(
...I cry almost every night...

Miss you . . .

If i admit that I miss you, does it mean that I lose?

Nah, it does not.


It might used to be like that when we were little kids; giving up silence and admitting something that the two of us do not want to.

But once you grow up, the line using to define whether you win or lose is not as clear. In fact, where is that line?


Despite all of that above, I am not saying that I want you back in my life. I just miss having the old version of you beside me.

I miss having you on the phone during late night when I want to bitch about thing that I could never tell anyone else.

I miss the way you comfort me with your warm hug when I feel so down.

I miss your serious face assuring me that I am not fat when I worry because I had been eating too much.

I miss those tender kisses on my cheek and the way you giggle when I give you pretend-to-be-mad face

...I miss everything about you.

What I really want you to know is not all those, I want you to know that you HAD ALWAYS BEEN WRONG and I HAD ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT.

And people DO change, including you.

I still care about you, no matter how much I do not want to. But it does not matter.

Nothing matters anymore.

Cold... Hurt... Painful

How could you be so cold to me?

Of all the ppl in my life, i trusted you very much that I actually believed that you were telling the truth... you told me that you would never let go off me.

And without any clue, u just ignored me and turned so cold to me.

Ain't we going to talk again?
Are you going to just forget everything we have had, and act like we never know each other?

What about time we have had together?


How could you do this to me??????????


You told me that you loved me, had me fell for you... and left me lost here...alone.

You are so cold.